"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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