so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
