it was like eating out sand paper
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
