I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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