When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
