he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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