Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
