I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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