It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
