so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
