Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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