I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
We smell like vodka and hangover
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