he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
