She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
