3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So much rum. So many feels.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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