I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
