I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
