I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
