So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
