Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
