I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
