How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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