You work out of a Hotel?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize