she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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