Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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