pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I am available for nakedness
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
