just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize