Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
