Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
