i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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