I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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