it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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