Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
