i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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