I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
