I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
