I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
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