And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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