i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
