he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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