I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
