you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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