If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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