I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
