1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
