I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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