I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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