My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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