Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize