I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
