your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
