i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
This is my gift to your gina
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
