I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
