I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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