just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize