I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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