Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
