real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
