apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize