I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
