If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
