I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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