Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
love makes seman taste better
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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