it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
