i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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