i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Boobs are out for the taking
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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