im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
