From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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